Calorie Grazer Math Hater

Never, ever did I think MY healthy journey would include counting calories.  As I tell my students, never say never.  After doing some research, I've discovered that counting calories is not what it used to be.  With today's technology, it's so much easier!  Basically, this got started because a good friend of mine and her husband were actually concerned that when I started eating better and adding exercise that I might not be eating enough calories for what my body needed to lose weight.  Ironic, huh?  This actually ties in with some other news I've seen about women who have the "fat gene" and PCOS.  Anyway, I digress.  After checking out sites such as Livestrong.com and Loseit.com and I found that free websites make tracking calories easy and eye opening.  While I think both sites have great information, Loseit is a bit more user friendly for me.  Both figure out how many calories you should be eating a day based on your age, weight, height and gender.  Both have phone applications if you want to download or if you do not have that type of cell you can enter all your meals via computer.  Their database of foods is large so all I have to do is enter in what I eat and how much and it figures out the calories for me!  Yeah!  Trust me, I hate math.  Believe it or not, I also like the accountability of logging in what I eat all day.  I may not do this forever, but for now it's important. 

I am learning I work best as a grazer.  Seriously.  I need to eat a little bit all day long.  My body and brain function much better this way.  I stay happier and more focused and I'm less likely to binge or have rash cravings.  I'm fine without traditional "meals" per say.  So, I graze and I keep track of everything I munch on.  The other cool feature about Loseit.com, for example, is that in addition to adding food, I can log in exercise.  It has a big list of exercises to pick from and I can select how long I did it and at what intensity.  Based on my age and weight, the program calculates how many calories I burned and logs it for me!  Love it. 

Every week of this journey I am arming myself with one or two more pieces of knowledge followed by an action.   Each small step is important.  Here's another example: knowing we eat out at least once a week, I downloaded a few applications that provide nutritional information for many restaurants so I can know ahead of time what to order.  I'm not going to deprive myself.  I can still eat good food...I just need to be aware.  What I sometimes think is the healthy option is not always the best way to go! 

As I said in my previous post, I get tired and overwhelmed at times.  I feel like I'm a journey that is never ending.  In a sense it is.  But, at other times, I feel empowered.  I'm feeding myself with knowledge and strength.  Want to know new exercises, I'll share.  Interested in brain food, let me know.  Curious about high fiber snacks, I got your back.  This is how I keep my magic bag full of new skinny chick treats so I can graze... And now here I am, a math hater, a calculator carrier, counting calories.  Thank God for modern technology! 

Big Girl Camp?

I'm feeling frustrated right now. It's like I want the rest of my world to stop while I focus on this journey. I'm suddenly and instantly overwhelmed. I finished my workout today, and I should have been pumped. All I could feel was a sense of sudden dread. We're behind on laundry, work is stressful, and the real meals that need cooked require using fresh ingredients and I'm too tired to mess with it! Can't everything just STOP...at least for awhile so I can just DO this?! I want to read articles and books, stretch, exercise, plan, have time to clean vegetables, pack lunch, keep my eyes on the prize, etc. As it is now, I'm feeling a bit half-assed at many things. Seriously, how much easier and faster could this process be if I could devote more time and attention. Ugghh. I need to be sent to a ranch or a camp or given paid leave or something. I know there's a fat camp in Minnesota but it costs about $2,000.00 and, well, it's colder there. Deep breaths.

Quick Update...

Weighed in this morning and lost 4.6 pounds.  Yes!  This means I've shed 8 pounds since January 3rd.  I will take it.  Today officially begins the fourth Monday of my getting fitter journey and while it hasn't been a cinch, I'm still playing to my dark strengths: being stubborn, fiery, and a little compulsive.  I hope I can keep this up as the harder days approach. 

Stinking Scale (play nice)

What's weighing on my mind at the moment is tomorrow's weigh in.  I have, rather coldly, turned a blind eye to the scale sitting ominously in the corner waiting to feel my feet step apprehensively upon it's surface to weigh judgment upon me without justice.  Last week, even though my monthly visitor came and spent the entire week with me, I could not resist the pull of the scale calling my name almost every day.  I ate well and worked hard but each morning as I slid onto that fiend my confusion and frustration rolled as the numbers shifted  up, down, up, and barely down.  I'm sure I was bloated...right?  I mean, all that hard work and I only lost one pound. 

This week, no monthly visitor and no extra steps on the scale.  It tried to beckon me and I resisted its pleas.  I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday.  Here is what I am currently telling myself: regardless of the number glaring up at me tomorrow morning, I've completed over five hours of exercise this week and I'm truly eating healthy.  I do feel better.  Take that!  Blueberries and kiwi are my new fruit friends.  My purse is always full of "skinny chick treats" and I'm carrying a freaking water bottle for goodness' sake.  OK, if I'm being completely honest, I do still hope the scale of justice tips in my favor!

On another note, here are some simple ideas I'm exploring.  Every movement we make consumes calories.  This includes my bigger workouts but it also includes cooking, brushing my teeth, pushing a grocery cart, stretching, dancing around my living room, an extra trip to fill my awesome water bottle at the fountain, etc.  Basically,  I just need to move more, a little longer and a bit more intentionally.  Next, is food.  From the beginning I've said this journey is about being healthy and not about dieting.  We all need food and I, for one, am a foodie.  I'm having fun reading about healthful food options, foods for brain power and I'm discovering many things I like that surprise me.  My repertoire is expanding.  It's something new to be educated about, and, most importantly, I'm not starving myself or grumpy or bitter or bound by rules. 

I will stay standing and I will finish what I started!  Wish me luck tomorrow morning...

p.s.- Glee Version of "Dream On" with Neil Patrick Harris and Matthew Morrison is an awesome workout song for motivation!

Bob My Builder

I have officially worked out four days a week for two full weeks. My hope is that if I continue like this for 4 full weeks it will become habit!  Supposedly, research says repeat something for three weeks and it shall become habit, but I figure 1) I'm stubborn and 2) working out is not in my blood. Therefore, I better add some cushion.  I'm just waiting until magically, it sticks, and I wake up one morning and become one of those obnoxiously obsessive people (yes, right now I think they are obnoxious) who just must work out at least five days a week or they don't feel complete! Of course, I do have obsessive issues.  I mean, I can totally see myself addicted to exercise.  hahahahaha.

On a more serious note, I've decided on my new motto: "stand up and finish what you started."  I saw it on this season of The Biggest Loser. It's a quote from Bob Harper (the trainer). Now, I don't typically watch this show and I was leery this time. On one hand, I want to be inspired, but on the other hand, I don't want to be discouraged by the huge numbers these people are dropping on the scales each week. Let's face it. In reality, I work during the day and can't exercise five hours at a time, I don't have a trainer, there are no medics next to me when I'm working out, I'm not secluded from other people and restaurants and I don't have someone helping me with food.  However, I really like a couple of their workout videos and I think Bob is adorbs, so, I turned it on to see what, if anything, I could glean from their process. Here's what I got.
1.  Hallelujah...there are some people bigger than me on the show.
2.  Two people, with lots of weight still to lose, already lost 100 pounds, on their own, before getting on the show.
3.  If they can work out that hard, I can work out as hard as I am if not harder.

Another quote that resonated with me, from Bob of course, was during a conversation he had with a guy who kept focusing on all the weight he had to lose and he kept feeling defeated before he really got started.  Bob said, "We gotta think about what we gotta do today...
otherwise it will just mess with your head."  Love it!

P.S.- I now, as of three days ago, am carrying around a water bottle and actually drinking from it and...wait for it....refilling it!  One more positive change.  

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman (minus the satin tights)

Why isn't it simple to lose weight?  First of all, I for one, lack patience and like many Americans with addictive personalities, I like instant gratification.  However, anything of sustainable value does not come with speedy rewards.  It's hard.  It's gritty.  It's time consuming.  Unlike most addictions, including food addictions, where gratification is instant, that which is diligently accomplished by the sweat of one's brow has no immediate result for good behavior.  Therefore it is important that I outline MY own health plan and find ways to see and appreciate the real and authentic benefits of the albeit small but beneficial successes along the way. It takes time to lose weight and the more weight you want to lose the more time it takes.  As much I may say the numbers on the scale do not control me, I must have other motivations.  For example, I just weighed in this morning and I only lost one pound.  To me, the scale is not tipping too far in my favor considering the amount I’m busting my butt.  If I’m not going to get defeated, I need to find more than that one-pound to hang onto.  Here it goes.  I specifically feel stronger in my legs from working out 3-4 times per week.  And for some reason, I seriously seem taller.  I like that. 

My pastor once said, "Sometimes the hardest things are the things that bring us the most freedom." My picture right now is Wonder Woman.  Granted, she looks a bit manly here, but I remember watching her as kid and admiring her strength.  You know what else I like, she’s not stick skinny.  She’s got curves.  What I’m doing is hard and emotional but I’m continuing to battle it out.  I've got my eating plan in place, a good support system with friends and family, and an attitude of strength!

So to leave you...check out the lyrics to the Wonder Woman theme song!

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
All the world's waiting for you,
and the power you possess.

In your satin tights,
Fighting for your rights
And the old Red, White and Blue.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
Now the world is ready for you,
and the wonders you can do.

Make a hawk a dove,
Stop a war with love,
Make a liar tell the truth.

Wonder Woman,
Get us out from under, Wonder Woman.
All our hopes are pinned on you.
And the magic that you do.

Stop a bullet cold,
Make the Axis fall,
Change their minds, and change the world.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.

The Challenge!

I received an intriguing text yesterday.  This was a call to battle, a battle of wills, a will to win!  The challenge, a friend and I put in ten dollars each month for three months and at the end of April, the winner, or in this case loser of the most pounds, gets the cash.  Now, while cash is nice, payment may actually come in the form of a well-deserved shopping trip of some sort.  As most of you know, when it comes to playing games, I have a, well, competitive spirit.  To turn down this offer would be difficult.  On one hand, I began this journey for the sole purpose of getting healthier.  To keep things simple and focused, rather than going psycho over numbers and diet plans; this is still my standing.  However, who am I to deny a friend in need of a little jumpstart, right?  If I'm motivating their need to get healthier too, who am I to be the defeatist?  So, here's what I figure.  I can battle and still focus on my own plan (eat good, energy producing, brain smart, healthy food all day and exercise 3-4 times per week).  This is what I have been doing.  In fact, we just went back to the store tonight and restocked the skinny chick treats.  My "carry on" bag is always full.  I worked a long day and came right home and exercised before going out with the man.  My point, why not throw a little competition in the mix for three months.  After all, I'm going to be on this journey for a long time. Now, I'm sure if my friend is soliciting me with this competition, said friend means business as well!  Well...

Bring it on! :-)

By the way, found this quote:

"Everyday do something that will inch you toward a better tomorrow."

F-Bomb!

Healthy or not, I’m realizing that my perception of my size is not reality.  I do not see myself as big as I am.  Literally.   Get ready for the f-bomb people.  I usually don’t feel fat.  I don’t walk around with a big, fat, fat complex.  Here I am, way bigger than some of my friends, a few who think they need to drop some pounds, and yet, at times, I tire of hearing about how insecure they are.  It just hit me, with all the problems I do have, why isn't this one of them?  Why don't I see myself in the mirror and hate what I see?

Recently, a friend of mine who works out obsessively said he was proud of me for working out.  While I appreciate the encouragement, part of me wanted to follow up with, “I’m proud of you when you aren’t a jerk to people dude.”  Might I be overreacting here?  Yes, but I’ve been struck recently by how many people I meet that are both insecure about something and judgmental about something else.  So would you believe I’ve never stopped to consider how many people have judged me about my weight before?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naïve, but I’ve never really considered it because it’s never been a social issue or a work issue for me.  Why am I writing this now?  Because recently I did feel judged and my reaction...to spit  in its face.  (Dramatic enough for you?)  To those of you, who do not believe that you are as beautiful as you are, get over it!  Hold your head up high.  If you want to make changes do it for yourself.  Those people who judge you, and I realize the haters are out there, they have a world of issues far greater.  I know so many beautiful people who need to understand, from the inside, how beautiful they are.  

Fat…fine!  I’m also friendly.  Fun.  More fearless with each day.  Funny.  A friend.  Feisty.  A bit funky.  A force to be reckoned with.  

My true identity will be reflected by what is inside and YES, I’ll keep working on the rest FROM within…  Make no mistake, what I'm doing right now, eating healthier and exercising, is for me- for my health.  This is not for anyone else.  

Word!  :-)

Eda-Mama-who?

I weighed myself this morning, one full week in, and I lost 2.4 pounds.  I’ll take it.  Admittedly, I hoped for more and tried to prepare for less.  While I’ve decided the numbers on the scale are not my focus, I think weighing in once a week, just to know I’m moving in the right direction, is important.   

Saturday we went to the grocery store and again, rather than allowing myself to get overwhelmed, I had a focus: skinny chick treats for my magic bag.  I did some research ahead of time and made a list of brain smart, high energy, low-moderate calorie, packable if needed snacks.  Here are a few of my goodies: apples, dark chocolate covered almonds, turkey (nitrate free) with wheat bread, celery and carrots with hummus, tortilla chips (blue ones) and guacamole, trail mix, peppermint stick Luna bars, kiwi, yogurt, blueberries, dark chocolate bars, edamame, pumpkin seeds, popcorn, tabbouleh and crackers, tuna... I’m learning to enjoy new foods.  I’m reading about healthy options and finding what I do and don’t like out there.  Like I said, I’m a foodie.   Let’s use my powers for good!

Just so happens, I have a big leather purse that came in handy for my first trip to the movie theatre this past weekend.  After our trip to Trader Joe’s I put a couple Luna bars, and a few Ziploc bags full of healthy snacks in my purse for urges, snacks on the go, and as a way to avoid temptations like the yummy goodness of the movie theater candy counter.  I walked right by with my bag, sat down in my seat, pulled out my peppermint bar and dug in.  My husband softly whispered in my ear, “I really like this new you.”  Why?  It saves money!  Ha-ha.  

As far as exercising, since last Monday, I worked out 4 times.  I walked about 6 miles and pumped the medicine ball.  I stretched and did crunches.  The secret- a workout buddy, Bob (Biggest Loser video), and Glee (CD’s).

More thoughts to come as I move into week 2...

I Celebrate Myself (at this Juncture)

Here is what I will celebrate so far this week:
1.  I exercised three times this week. I walked several miles, pumped some weights and stretched some needed muscles.
2.  I ate less sweets...far less less sweets.
3.  I am finding it refreshing to write about my thoughts.

Here is what I have realized:
1.  If I do not eat, if I don't keep food in my body at regular intervals, my brain and body start to go crazy.  I'm not sure what this means.  Is this part of the reason I've struggled in the past?  I don't know but it's true.  Because I haven't had a chance to make a good grocery run yet I have gone without snacks (healthy or otherwise) and have waited too long between meals...this has opened my eyes.  I really get crazy.  Headaches.  Shaky.  Cranky.  I haven't given in, well, other than that frosty incident, but I see the importance of being armed with healthy options at all times.  I need brain food.  I need energy food.
2.  As much as I don't want to workout right before I'm about to do it, either because I'm tired from work and would rather nap, or my knees hurt, I feel empowered afterward.  It makes me a stronger woman.  Even it's mental, I need to hang on to that satisfaction.
3.  Numbers cannot matter to me at this juncture.  (I really wanted to use the word juncture).  I need to pat myself on the back for each healthy step I take...literally.  I walked over four miles this week.  I didn't do that last week.  I ate less sweets this week.  If my original goal is to get healthier- I'm on my way.  I made a few smarter meal choices.  Great!


On top of this, I like myself. hahahaha. 

Time to make a grocery list.

It's my Obsession

Last night sleep avoided me.  Why?  Only three days after beginning this "this that shall not be named" I started obsessing about goals; this is just what I said I would not do.  Here are some of the questions that flooded my brain.  Do I try to lose 10 pounds a month?  Should I set a specific size goal for summer?  Like I said, I have no need for skinniness, but I have a certain size in mind that would be glorious.  By the way, to all you little people (take that as a compliment), this size I have in mind, for me, at my current size, still leaves me with plenty of shrinking room down the road should I accept the challenge.  It's a great, first, comfortable, sized goal.  Or, do I just focus on getting off one or two pounds a week?  I also remember a doctor once telling me that with each and every 10% of your body weight you lose, it's a huge health benefit.  Maybe I should work in 10% increments?

This pattern of thinking and questioning and cycling is not new.  I've done it before.  I want motivation but I also recognize that I do indeed have issues with OCD and if I start to feel too overwhelmed, I will quit.  This is tough.  See, on one hand, I really don't care about my weight.  Screw it.  On the other hand, I want to do something about.  So if I do, than I do.  Technically, I have A LOT to lose.  But this is supposed to be about feeling healthier and prevention and getting energy.  So, what do I wrap my head around here?  How do I answer the questions circling in my head?  Do I just eat health-ier than before and exercise (which I did today again by the way) and not focus on the pounds or do I pick one of those goals as mentioned above?

I need to get this right because I have a long road ahead and if I wrote all this and in two months I quit, somebody better smack me (on the butt preferably).

Nobody Puts my Candy in a Corner!

As I mentioned in my first post, I love sweets.  I do. Let's take a moment.  Creme Brulee.  Banana Cream Pie.  Rice Krispie Treats.  Cheesecake.  Sugar Cookies.  Key Lime Pie.  All yummy.  As long as it does not have nuts or freshly baked fruit, I'm in.  There is, however, one sensual source of satisfaction that soars above the rest of all other sweets and that is rich, creamy milk chocolate.  I would pick a chocolate dessert before almost any other on a menu.  I would pick a plain milk chocolate candy bar that slowly melts in my mouth section by section over more complicated and convoluted choices any day!  The problem...dark chocolate is so much better for you!  I keep hearing it on the news. I hear it here, I hear it there, I hear it, hear it everywhere!  Truth is, I think I'd rather learn to like dark chocolate than not have any chocolate.  I've experimented.  Dabbled if you will.  I've tried 75% cocoa and up.  I haven't found much I've loved.  I just heard again that dark chocolate can lower blood pressure, decrease risk of stroke, lesson depression, etc.  Any thoughts?

Skinny Chick Treats in a Magic Bag

Some of my talents are thinking quickly on my feet, multi-tasking, socializing, and being imaginative.  I'm easily attracted to new ideas but they don't hold my attention too long. These don't lend themselves well to diet and exercise.  While I really don't want to be "that" woman with the big bag full of healthy snacks and the water bottle always in hand, I somehow have to be more prepared. I'm discovering that if I wait too long to eat something, I get super hungry fast and I can't think. In fact, I even feel nasty and anxious. If I let myself hit that point or come too close, I'm far more likely to eat the closest snack I can find...healthy or not. And if I've hit raging, shaky, can't think straight point, it will probably take more to fill me up. Or, it takes longer for the food to reach my brain and by then I've eaten more. (Science is not my thing). Today, for example, I was being very good. Because I had two special K bars as a morning snack, I just had a lean cuisine for lunch and yogurt (that I packed) for lunch. Well, by the time my work day ended, I was hungry. I had no magical bag of skinny chick treats. No apples, pretzels, tofu (no way) for me. I found a small candy cane left from Christmas and this wasn't cutting it. A staff meeting was followed by paperwork and by the time I left the building I smelled some kid with a McDonald's sandwich and nearly mauled him for it. Huh. I didn't. Proudly, I didn't even go to Mcdonalds. I went home...only to devour half a small frozen FROSTY left in the freezer from two days prior!  Let's be clear here.  The only reason I ate half is because half is all that was left.  I need a bag. I need healthy treats. I need plastic baggies. I need to get prepared. I feel overwhelmed but I will not quit.


This week is so busy.  I have a ton of work to do.  This is not the week to start working out.  This is not the week to start eating healthier.  I said I would be honest and this is honestly how I feel.  I do not have time to go to the grocery before the weekend.  I will not quit.  I will work out tomorrow.  I will still eat better than I have...
Ugghhh

Do I really want to do this...

So, today I ate a healthier lunch. No school food.  I packed.  In the past I packed my lunch all the time but recently I started running late for work and ate there.  Not a good idea!  Now, I do still like my breakfast on the run (that means in the car as I'm driving to work).  Today it was Special K toaster waffles...with chocolate chips.  At least I didn't put any butter on them.  I also started working out again with my workout buddy. We have made my basement our gym; we have videos, mats, swiss balls, medicine balls and a couple weights.  Much better than a public gym and still the accountability of a partner. We did a mile power walk (thanks biggest loser video) and used our medicine balls to really work the arms. My friend is definitely in better shape than me but I hold my own. I also make her stand up front! Luckily we both have a sense of humor though because right after doing my version of sit ups on the swiss ball I rolled off the damn thing and hit the floor.  Good times.  We haven't worked out for about 7 months because I had knee surgery. Please Lord no injuries this time around. I also weighed myself this morning so I can track what I hope is my progress. I don't care if it comes off slowly...remember I said that! Haha.  

I hope that by keeping this journal of sorts I will hold myself more accountable and I think it will be good for me to have a place to track what's happening...honestly!  

Here I Go Again...but not completely on my own.

Today I start exercising again. I'm almost embarrassed to say this at
the dawn of a new year. No, this is not a resolution per say. I'm not
joining a gym or signing up for a diet. Although, let's be honest
here, it doesn't really matter what I call it, I've failed at "this
that shall not be named" many times before. The successes, and I've
had those too, seem short lived and often thwarted by injury (two torn
meniscuses) or sheer lack of discipline.  Let me be fair, I have
counted points with programs like Weight Watchers and I sweated my
soul publicly in places like Urban Active (do not even get me started
on them).  This however, is my own, realistic, fitter before forty
approach. You notice I didn't say FIT. :-)
I have a way to go before fit and a few years before forty. What I
want is to simply eat better and to incorporate more movement in my
life. I know even this won't be simple. I'm an educated, stubborn,
funny, confident, and in many ways accomplished woman...and yet this
is anything but simple. Why? Let's get real. I'm impatient. I lack
discipline. I hate to sweat. I have bad genes (hey, it's true)! I love
sweets. I'm a foodie. Food is social for me. Food is comforting for
me. I have a slow metabolism (that also is true).  There are a million
things I'd rather due than take time to plan perfect meals, cook,
clean up, and then also add exercise into my day. I have an addictive
personality. I think I'm beautiful as I am. Etc. However, back to the
title of my blog; I do wish to be fitter before I hit forty. Forty
really is an arbitrary number but it works for me...I'm using it to
empower me. It gives me a few years to not feel so pressured by a
scale. I will never be a "salad" only chick. Sorry. I will never be
skinny. I need not feel overwhelmed. This is MY time to journal about
what its like to try getting fitter. Step by step. Honestly. I welcome
comments.


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