Keeping it Real!

As this journey continues, I am, expectedly, driving through ups and downs.  I use the phrase driving through because even though I do face difficult and frustrating moments, I intend to keep moving forward.  I’d like to be honest with a few of those thoughts that have travelled my mind lately.  I’ll start with the negative so I can end this entry on a positive note.

Downs:

1.  I am a foodie.  I enjoy flavors, a vast variety of food, good restaurants and sweet desserts.  When I am invited to a party and a plethora of decadent goodies are sprawled out on the table, this is overwhelming.  I faced this recently.  Knowing I was going to a party, I ate very light during the day and planned on selecting my food with a healthy perspective.  However, most of the options included some type of dip, cheese, sauce, chocolate, and so on.  Could I have navigated the waters better than I did, yes.  What did I do?  I ate a little bit of almost everything.  Then, the homemade chocolate chip cookies beckoned me and I ate two!  This was the first real “cheat” in three weeks.  Then, when I got home, it was tricky figuring out exactly what I ate and how to count it. 

2.  The physical, biological, chemical process involved in weight loss evades me at times.  I understand, on the basic level, that I eat less and move more to drop pounds.  I realize that the type of food I eat (nutrients, fiber, protein) and the exercises I pick can affect how I lose weight.  Here’s what I fail to comprehend: how can someone drastically change their eating habits and add in regular exercise to what was a fairly leisurely lifestyle and ONLY lose a pound or two on average per week?  And, here’s what’s worse- indulge a little here and there or have one bad night and risk not seeing any loss.  This just doesn’t add up.  I’ve read some research on cortisol levels and metabolism, but bottom line, those conditions really only impact, from what I understand, a small portion of the population.  What’s the deal?  I hate working so hard and fearing that the smallest detour might stall the scale or bump me up a bit. 

3.  Weekly weigh-ins are difficult for two reasons.  One, as I mentioned above, it is the moment of truth for a week’s worth of work.  I also have a difficult time weighing only once a week.  In fact, when I do weigh in more often, I realize just how crazy the scale can be.  I can be working just as hard each day and yet the scale will rise and fall in weird ways.  Is this water?  Does the time of day I exercise matter?  I could ask, and get trapped, in so many questions.  Again, I don’t always get why and how the body works the way it does. 

Ups:

1.  While those weekly weigh-ins can be frustrating, I strangely like this competition I’m involved in with my friends.  Each Thursday morning we text each other to share our results. This provides needed accountability and support.  We congratulate successes, encourage through the difficult moments, and offer suggestions when needed.  I put this on par with keeping a food journal.  For me, both are a necessity for endurance.  It gives me gas (or should I say steam).  

2.  Lately I’ve been working on being truly present while working out.  I concentrate on breathing, form, squeezing my parts, and feeling each movement.  Because of this, I know for a fact that I am gaining strength and endurance.  Just this morning I held a plank longer, completed football runs (as Bob Harper calls them) without walking instead, and boxed with more force for two minutes more than on Thursday.  These little accomplishments are important and I need to celebrate those.  I want to be aware of how I’m changing. 

3.  My constant craving for sweets is diminishing (yes, I am saying this after confessing to two chocolate chips cookies the other night).  Admittedly, I have a sweet tooth.  I think I’m circumventing this in a few ways.   First of all, I make healthy treats now more than ever.  Secondly, with the help of my “skinny chick treats” I do not allow myself to reach ultimate hunger.  Instead, I consume more, healthier choices, throughout the day.   I know I can still enjoy the “real deal” now and then but I want to plan, if possible, and not waste it on cheap thrills.  If this girl is going to indulge, I’m going to do it sparingly and consciously…while savoring every last bit. 

In the past two and half years I have lost between 45 and 50 pounds.  I’ve started and stopped for many reasons (some valid and some not).  Even though this is not a huge amount considering the time frame, I’ve kept it off.  Am I proud of this, yes.  Do I wish it was more noticeable, yes.  Maybe the tortoise had it right, slow and steady wins the race.  Let’s hope for fewer stops and more miles!   I'm down eight pounds since the end of June and unlike the hare, no naps for me.  

To getting fitter, healthier and keeping it real! 

Lean on me- to get STRONG!

The past two weeks have been positive.  I’ve worked out several times a week, written down and accounted for everything eaten, and tried out new healthy recipes.  For example, when on vacation in Charleston, I stumbled upon the blended frappe.  Yummy!  While I enjoyed a few of these coffee drinks on my trip, I knew I needed to find a healthier option at home.  Lucky for me, via the Hungry Girl website, I found several recipes for my frozen espresso treat.  Mocha and caramel are my specialties; with way less calories and way less sugar, these drinks are lovely!  I’m also a fan of frozen lemonade and I’ve been experimenting with a version using Crystal Light Lemonade packs, frozen fruit, ice and water.  So good and refreshing.  What would I do without my little blender machine?  It makes perfect, individual servings.  Luckily, I am blessed to have a good friend that is working on this journey with me and loves to share recipes, to talk tasty treats, and to keep me accountable. 

I also did some research on boxing as exercise.  With help from sites likes Ross Boxing and Expert Boxing, I’ve gained insight and practical examples to incorporate boxing for weight loss.  Why box?  Pounding my bag gets out frustrations, pumps up my heart rate, engages a plethora of muscles, and brings out the sweat.  Within two minutes, I am out of breath and feeling tough.  Regardless of the numbers on the scale, I truly believe that MOVING is key to getting fitter and healthier.  My workouts often involve a video, usually a Biggest Loser video with Bob Harper (he’s much nicer than Jillian), weight training, and boxing.  The medicine ball and swiss ball are thrown in there to shake things up now and then.  It’s also easier for me to do crunches at this point with the swiss ball.  Luckily, I am blessed with another good friend who works out with me and challenges me to keep a “fitness” schedule. 

My husband has also been encouraging and supportive.  He eats well with me, discusses healthier restaurant options with me, helps me plan grocery lists, and listens to my whining when I don’t lose weight, don’t feel like working out, and don’t want to be good.  This fitter journey is definitely that, a journey.  This process will not happen overnight and if I want to keep going, I have to continue to read, learn, try, move and most importantly, lean on others for assistance and inspiration. 

So, let me put this out there, if anyone wants to talk or share, let me know.  Growing into a healthier individual (mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically) cannot be achieved alone.  To change is to desire, to develop discipline, to have an open heart and mind, and to lean on others.  My desire is growing and I’m open to others and myself; discipline is my major enemy.  One day and one punch at a time…for now. 

When Mojo and Motivation Combine

Finally, I feel like my mojo is back; my attitude and my ass are in tune with the world of healthy habits.  As an FYI, I looked up the word "mojo" and while many of the definitions really do not fit this context (casting magic spells, amulet) there is one definition (personal power and influence) that works perfectly!  Good or bad, I am one of those people who must exert personal power over myself.  I like being fired up; adding fuel to the fire is one of my gifts.  Let me explain further.  Although I am thankful for the encouragement and prodding of others, my own mind must be in check for change to truly occur.  I need buy-in.  As a friend recently described me, I am stubborn.  If I buy-in to something, fully, I will draw from my bullheadedness to make it happen.  Thus, this Taurus needed to remind herself why she started this "Fitter Before Forty" journey in the first place: to be healthier.

I'm not about dieting for the sake of dieting.  I do not care about being skinny like so and so.  Personally, as I've said before, I'm not driven by image.  Health on the other hand is a strong motivating factor for me.  This is where personal power and influence over myself comes into play.  I need to remind myself, in detail, why I want to be healthier.  I need to use my imagination to feel, picture and hear what healthy really means to me.  For example, I do not want to worry about high blood pressure or taking blood pressure medicine.  I imagine that conversation with my doctor.  I do not want to worry about becoming diabetic (it runs in my family).  I want to be able to move freely without the extra aches and pains that are probably in my future.  As someone with anxiety, I worry about having a heart attack (my Dad had quadruple bypass surgery).  To me, this is NOT all about weight.  This is about researching healthier food options and incorporating those, being in tune with my body and listening to what it needs, exercising and moving several times a week, and checking in with myself mentally to make sure I'm in a good place. Let me add, having friends in my corner, working with me, being on this journey as well, is, for me, a necessary blessing.  While I am stubborn, I am also a sharer.  When I'm really into something, I like sharing ideas with others.  Having people in my life that listen, try and share with me too only adds good fuel to my fire.


So let me talk in concretes for a minute.  I have added some "skinny chick treats" to my faves and I have also updated the list of healthy links.  Feel free to check these out and feel free to share any ideas!  I am back to writing down everything I eat each day; for me, this is crucial for accountability.  Right now, I have chosen to use the Weight Watchers method of totaling points.  However, my main focus is getting healthier so I do not think this is a must for everyone.  I am also exercising again.  Not only have I been spending time in my home gym (boxing, lifting weights, using the swiss ball, doing the videos), I have been taking little spins on my cruiser.  This is hilarious.  For some of us, riding a bike is not so natural.  For now, I've been riding up and down my street practicing my turns and stops until I feel comfortable enough to branch out.  This is still a workout!  Again, exercise, is not about getting skinny but rather about what it can do for my heart, lungs, and mind.  Moving in ways that are fun and challenging is important for me to continue.  Walking on a treadmill is not going to keep me engaged.  Personally, I need change, options, and fun in my workout.  Knowing myself is key in all of this.

Because I love quotes and I've been writing about personal attitude and discovery, let me share a few cool words:

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself.  ~Alan Alda

Never mind searching for who you are.  Search for the person you aspire to be.  ~Robert Brault

I do not try to dance better than anyone else.  I only try to dance better than myself.

Mikhail Baryshnikov

May we aspire to be and do more than we have before!  May we challenge ourselves to grow!  May we never be afraid of change and changing ourselves!  

 

Can We Get Back Together?

I'll admit, I was a little worried this blog might not exist anymore after being ignored for so long.  I didn't even know if my fingers could find it at this point.  Thankfully, after some encouraging words from a friend, I took a chance and luckily, I'm here and the blog is here.  Hopefully, you will be here to read this and support me!

About two and half months ago I got pneumonia and following the pneumonia my asthma flared up fiercely.  My immune system was low, my lungs were tight, and I was constantly fatigued.  I spent most of nights sleeping in the chair sounding like I was grinding coffee with each breath. I won't include all the particulars, but let's just say I spent at least two days a week popping into my doctor's office for checkups of some kind or the other.  Between fighting all the sickness "junk" as I began to call it and just trying to survive the work days, I lost my game.  The careful grocery shopping, writing down everything I ate, exercising, and hardcore attitude went right out the window with the Ohio sunshine.  It was rain rain rain around here.

So now, as I am finally starting to feel better, I need to get my fight back.  Even though, in my heart, I know I did the best I could the last couple months, I feel like I lost time.  And, my attitude, before getting sick, was so strong and focused!  I'm honestly scared I won't get that fortitude back.  I haven't started exercising again; I really want to try this week but I have a feeling it will be like starting all over!  Uggghhh.  Mentally, I realize that if I can't do everything I did before, it's no big deal.  I'll build back up.  I also know I can grab my inhaler if I have trouble breathing.  But see, I get aggravated that I came so far and now I'm backwards.  I know how much weight I should have/could have lost by now and I haven't.  I didn't care about that when I was sick but I do now.  At the same time, I also don't have the strength that I had before I got sick either.  I don't have the will power or the sheer drive.  See the paradox?

I do want the drive though and that counts for something, right?  Here's an interesting fact: I told someone recently to laugh, a good hard fake laugh, over and over, until they smiled for real.  Usually, when I do this, I will really end up smiling or laughing at myself.  It may sound crazy but it helps when I'm down.  Tonight a friend told me I might have to fake my attitude about this "fit before forty" for awhile until the positive attitude comes back!  Huh!  OK.  Here I go...

Step 1.  I will go back and read my own blog entries from the beginning.  Maybe I will find encouragement from my own words and be reminded of my purpose!
Step 2.  I will go to the grocery tomorrow get some of my favorite fresh fruits as a treat!
Step 3.  I will load my purse back up with skinny chick treats.
Step 4.  I will write down what I eat each day.

Stretch Your Comfort Zone (not your waistband)

This blog post is inspired by comments shared in response to my last post.  Some of those comments were shared publicly and others personally.  For those of you who did respond, please know I dearly appreciate and value you. 

Thank you for your honesty and thank you for recognizing and appreciating my honesty.  I have not given up but I did need to refocus a little bit.  Your words were so encouraging.  Life is so much better when we can join together like this and talk to each other about our achievements and our struggles because we ALL have them!  Everyone is blessed and EVERYONE has difficulties and obstacles.  I heard someone say the other day that if you leave your comfort zone, God will do some creative things with your life.  I believe much of this journey for me is about leaving my comfort zone.  So when I was working so hard, balls to the walls I would actually say, stretching many of my comfort zones, and not seeing the change I expected, discouragement crept in.  However, when I worked out Friday, I realized that I was doing things that I know I could not have done a few months ago and even though I was dog tired in the end, I felt strong!  I don't want to give that up!  This is going to be a continual learning curve and nothing is going to happen overnight.  I'm continually exploring new foods, new restaurants, new places to shop, new exercises, and I just need to live and breathe in this time and not get caught up by the scale. Ultimately, the end game is being healthier and feeling empowered.

For me, this is not only something I'm working out but something that has to work.  This is why I'm not "dieting" or trying some quick fix plan.  While I might miss a few of the decadent treats that I overindulged in before, I am certainly not depriving myself.  I eat plenty.  I eat real food.  I'm within my healthy calorie range and learning about foods that are not only important for weight loss but for the heart, mind and skin.  I'm embracing exercise and my body in a way I never have before.  And, in the spirit of finding freedom, I'm also not going to live in bondage to too many rules.  It's all about smart choices and being informed but not being obsessive.  I know what both sides of this line are like, being too free with food and being to obsessive, and I can honestly say balance is so important.  Being prone to OCD, it is not healthy for me to worry or hyperfocus on all the numbers.  My phone applications and favorite websites definitely help me stay focused and armed with information.  Most of all, in order to keep working this out, I need to stay real.  I must have people I can be open and honest with because life is hard. 

I don't know if any of you have seen the t-shirts or bumper stickers that say, "I may be fat but you're ugly and I can lose weight"  but I remember seeing this on a buxom Floridian beauty one time and it cracked me up!  Fierce and snarky.  I think there are those, big and small, who are also ugly on the INSIDE and because of this I am motivated to talk openly about my quest.  No one is better than anyone else and I won't let anyone have that power over me.  I want to be a strong, real, woman.  None of us are perfect; herein lies our beauty.  Thanks for letting me complain and thanks for picking me up.  I'm working it out and working hard again!

"Glory is not in never failing but in rising every time we fail." -Anonymous

p.s.- stocked up on blueberries, kiwi, pineapple, yogurt, and all my fave skinny chick treats!

My Kick-Ass is Half-Assed!

I’m stagnant.  I’m losing steam.  I need rejuvenation.  I need a kick in the ass.  I’m half-assing it. 

The past two weeks have been rough.  I’m not even going to lie.  I’m still eating much better than I did before this journey began.  I’m still working out.  However, this maintaining weight or dropping .6 pounds here and there has crept into my psyche.  On one hand, I feel empowered by working out and testing my strength; I’m doing planks, lifting weights, walking briskly, incorporating several types of crunches, and so on.  In the spirit of singing my strengths, I ate something the other day that I knew I shouldn’t have so I worked out on my own even though I did not want to.  Lunch each day is a lean meal, yogurt and blueberries or a Luna bar, fruit and yogurt.  One of my good friends encourages me by keeping me updated with healthy foods to try and we’ve even shopped together.  There have been no late night cheesecake runs, although, I saw some crazy good desserts at a nearby restaurant table the other day and I’m pretty sure I gave them the stink eye.    

Here’s the bad news my bears, the boundaries are slipping a bit and the enthusiasm is waning.  When it comes to writing down my food each day and logging my calories, I’ve been slacking.  My pretty pink water bottle has not left the shelf for five days.  Yes, the horror.  I’m telling all!  Yesterday, I indulged in some trail mix, which I did not even enjoy before, and I ate twice the amount I should have in record time.  I hate to be trite but the honeymoon is moving toward an end and I need to keep the romance alive.  I think I need to vent first and then somehow get my fire back.  Here’s my venting.  Forgive me.

1.      * My existence before this was pretty sedentary.  No pain no gain?  Where is MY gain (loss)??

2.       *I think any weight I have lost has come off in my fingers, toes, ankles, wrists, and maybe my boobs.  I don’t mind having big boobs and my fingers are already a size 6.5.  Seriously, what about the belly?  The arm flab? If I cut my hair short again will my face at least look thinner?

3.       *When some people try to be encouraging, they basically say the Christian equivalent of “Let go and let God!”  Yeah…. Right…  I’m taking up boxing people, I might just hit you!

4.        *Why do some people, I’m thinking of skinnier people and men in particular, seem to lose weight faster?  It’s like the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.  Twisted. 

5.       *Is there truly a benefit to all this working out?  I know people who do not exercise and still lose more weight. 

6.       *I said this journey was about getting healthier so how else do I measure health?  How do I keep from getting discouraged if the scale is not moving forward fast enough? 

7.       *Having PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) bites.  I know it does in fact make things more difficult for me but it will not be my excuse.  I’m back of glucophage so hopefully this will start helping.

8.       *People in workout videos smile way too freaking much.  Annoying.  And now it’s almost time for runners to start creeping out onto the streets.  Great. 

Wow, this is feeling good.  Maybe I should stop and save some for later.  Obviously, I am trying to keep it real.  I need help from anyone that can help.  I need motivation or something.  I do NOT want to quit.  I will not give up so I’m writing this to let everyone know that I need some juice!!!  Power me.  Empower me.  Give me a battery.  Something.  Check my attitude.  Give me an attitude check.

Put'em Up! Put'em Up! No Cowardly Lion Here!

I’ve discovered I love boxing.  I like slipping on the gloves, strapping down the Velcro, tapping my knuckles together, getting my stance ready, and punching.  Right now I box a little every Friday with my trainer.  He puts on punch mitts, I wear fight gloves, and he teaches me how to swing.  Each boxing session is a workout that leaves me red in the face and out of breath; each jab, each hit, each upper cut allows me to knock out my tensions and aggressions.  I will literally back my trainer up against the wall and it feels good!  I love the feeling of rhythmically hitting and hitting hard.  Oh yes, I will be adding a heavyweight punching bag to the my home gym.  I’ve done a little research and boxing for exercise can be a cardio boom and whether I’m picturing the person who cut me off at the intersection, a disruptive student, or sexy skinny person, I may like this punching thing a little too much.  Anyway, this chick will be leaner, stronger, and tougher.  Let me remind you, as I mentioned in my earlier post, one of my other forms of exercise is circuit training (using free weights) to increase lean muscle mass in order to boost my metabolism.  So, while the pounds may not be dropping as fast, I do feel myself getting stronger and I can tell my body shape is slowly changing.   I am hoping to hit the 15 pound mark very soon.  I am close! 

Part of my positive attitude right now is my support system.  I read recently that those who are most successful in losing weight and keeping it off have the following people on their team:

1. The food friend- the person who cooks with you, eats with you, grocery shops with you,  helps make the healthy lists, supports smart dining out choices, gets on board with all the good food and eats essentially what you eat do

2. The workout buddy- the person who gets down and dirty and exercises with you, is an accountability partner, sweats with you and motivates you, works hard with you and suffers through the pain with you

3. The encourager- someone who has persisted through challenges, someone who will be encouraging, someone who will understand when things get tough and not look down on you but not let you give up either, someone who recognizes the good things you’re doing

I believe I have a solid team in place and I understand that I cannot do this alone.  I do not think that any change in life is easy and I am not too strong or too weak to admit that I need people in my life to help me accomplish this. 

In many of my literature classes we encounter stories with a protagonist, often an underdog, on a quest in order to reach some sort of tangible goal. Oftentimes, the physical journey is full of obstacles and challenges that the protagonist must overcome.  In fact, some of these obstacles are either tempting or incredibly dangerous.  However, it is by facing these challenges that the hero tests himself, gains a better understanding of himself, receives some sort of enlightenment, and develops physical and mental fortitude.  Hopefully, each obstacle I face serves as a lesson.  I want this journey to lead to better physical, emotional and mental health and a new understanding of myself and my capabilities.  Let me say again that I embrace the beauty and boldness of my size, and that this journey is not about being thin.  This journey is about being healthier and strong.  I want to better the things about myself that I am able to.  I want to empower myself.  I want to be a woman of love, yes, but also of action and determination.  Lord, help me box myself out of my weaknesses!