I’m stagnant. I’m losing steam. I need rejuvenation. I need a kick in the ass. I’m half-assing it.
The past two weeks have been rough. I’m not even going to lie. I’m still eating much better than I did before this journey began. I’m still working out. However, this maintaining weight or dropping .6 pounds here and there has crept into my psyche. On one hand, I feel empowered by working out and testing my strength; I’m doing planks, lifting weights, walking briskly, incorporating several types of crunches, and so on. In the spirit of singing my strengths, I ate something the other day that I knew I shouldn’t have so I worked out on my own even though I did not want to. Lunch each day is a lean meal, yogurt and blueberries or a Luna bar, fruit and yogurt. One of my good friends encourages me by keeping me updated with healthy foods to try and we’ve even shopped together. There have been no late night cheesecake runs, although, I saw some crazy good desserts at a nearby restaurant table the other day and I’m pretty sure I gave them the stink eye.
Here’s the bad news my bears, the boundaries are slipping a bit and the enthusiasm is waning. When it comes to writing down my food each day and logging my calories, I’ve been slacking. My pretty pink water bottle has not left the shelf for five days. Yes, the horror. I’m telling all! Yesterday, I indulged in some trail mix, which I did not even enjoy before, and I ate twice the amount I should have in record time. I hate to be trite but the honeymoon is moving toward an end and I need to keep the romance alive. I think I need to vent first and then somehow get my fire back. Here’s my venting. Forgive me.
1. * My existence before this was pretty sedentary. No pain no gain? Where is MY gain (loss)??
2. *I think any weight I have lost has come off in my fingers, toes, ankles, wrists, and maybe my boobs. I don’t mind having big boobs and my fingers are already a size 6.5. Seriously, what about the belly? The arm flab? If I cut my hair short again will my face at least look thinner?
3. *When some people try to be encouraging, they basically say the Christian equivalent of “Let go and let God!” Yeah…. Right… I’m taking up boxing people, I might just hit you!
4. *Why do some people, I’m thinking of skinnier people and men in particular, seem to lose weight faster? It’s like the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Twisted.
5. *Is there truly a benefit to all this working out? I know people who do not exercise and still lose more weight.
6. *I said this journey was about getting healthier so how else do I measure health? How do I keep from getting discouraged if the scale is not moving forward fast enough?
7. *Having PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) bites. I know it does in fact make things more difficult for me but it will not be my excuse. I’m back of glucophage so hopefully this will start helping.
8. *People in workout videos smile way too freaking much. Annoying. And now it’s almost time for runners to start creeping out onto the streets. Great.
Wow, this is feeling good. Maybe I should stop and save some for later. Obviously, I am trying to keep it real. I need help from anyone that can help. I need motivation or something. I do NOT want to quit. I will not give up so I’m writing this to let everyone know that I need some juice!!! Power me. Empower me. Give me a battery. Something. Check my attitude. Give me an attitude check.
Letting off steam is a good thing, much better than being a poor, poor me. You actually know you are heading towards your goal. Impatience is a very human trait. Keep on venting and keep on
ReplyDeleteMindy, I know EXACTLY how you feel! Remember, I have been there :) BUT, I *wish* I had not given up!! I am right back where I started, and if you think your frustrated now, think of how frustrated you will be if you gain all you have lost (not just in terms of pounds, but also in terms on energy, stamina, knowledge of what to eat/how your body works etc...the list could go on!)
ReplyDeleteGive yourself some grace for the mistakes you have started to make, and then change them. It is kind of how our spiritual relationship works. We do things we know God doesn't want us to do, (or don't do the things He *does* want us to do), and we feel convicted. At that moment, we can either choose to ignore conviction and go deeper into sin, or we can acknowledge our sin, ask for forgiveness and change our way. If you go deeper into sin, you KNOW the outcome...eventually God will allow you to hit the bottom until you have no choice but to turn around, but usually there are much bigger consequences at that point. But if we listen and turn as soon as we are convicted, God uses it as a learning opportunity for us and we walk away stronger and the next time temptaion comes along, we are more easily able to say "NO"!
I hope this doesn't come off as a Bible lesson, but I am on the 'been choosing to ignore the conviction' side of dieting, and I am seeing some of the consequences and it is NOT FUN! And reading your blog and seeing your honesty, yet determination has inspired me. I have stated trying to make better choices and turn things around.
So if nothing else, look at this as a teaching opportunity to other people (you ARE a teacher ya know?!), and get into the mind set of , 'I have to keep at this so that I can teach others how to do it'. You are a leader...so even when it gets hard...keep leading us :)
I love you and I KNOW 100% that you can keep doing this if you choose to...I hope you do!