Can We Get Back Together?

I'll admit, I was a little worried this blog might not exist anymore after being ignored for so long.  I didn't even know if my fingers could find it at this point.  Thankfully, after some encouraging words from a friend, I took a chance and luckily, I'm here and the blog is here.  Hopefully, you will be here to read this and support me!

About two and half months ago I got pneumonia and following the pneumonia my asthma flared up fiercely.  My immune system was low, my lungs were tight, and I was constantly fatigued.  I spent most of nights sleeping in the chair sounding like I was grinding coffee with each breath. I won't include all the particulars, but let's just say I spent at least two days a week popping into my doctor's office for checkups of some kind or the other.  Between fighting all the sickness "junk" as I began to call it and just trying to survive the work days, I lost my game.  The careful grocery shopping, writing down everything I ate, exercising, and hardcore attitude went right out the window with the Ohio sunshine.  It was rain rain rain around here.

So now, as I am finally starting to feel better, I need to get my fight back.  Even though, in my heart, I know I did the best I could the last couple months, I feel like I lost time.  And, my attitude, before getting sick, was so strong and focused!  I'm honestly scared I won't get that fortitude back.  I haven't started exercising again; I really want to try this week but I have a feeling it will be like starting all over!  Uggghhh.  Mentally, I realize that if I can't do everything I did before, it's no big deal.  I'll build back up.  I also know I can grab my inhaler if I have trouble breathing.  But see, I get aggravated that I came so far and now I'm backwards.  I know how much weight I should have/could have lost by now and I haven't.  I didn't care about that when I was sick but I do now.  At the same time, I also don't have the strength that I had before I got sick either.  I don't have the will power or the sheer drive.  See the paradox?

I do want the drive though and that counts for something, right?  Here's an interesting fact: I told someone recently to laugh, a good hard fake laugh, over and over, until they smiled for real.  Usually, when I do this, I will really end up smiling or laughing at myself.  It may sound crazy but it helps when I'm down.  Tonight a friend told me I might have to fake my attitude about this "fit before forty" for awhile until the positive attitude comes back!  Huh!  OK.  Here I go...

Step 1.  I will go back and read my own blog entries from the beginning.  Maybe I will find encouragement from my own words and be reminded of my purpose!
Step 2.  I will go to the grocery tomorrow get some of my favorite fresh fruits as a treat!
Step 3.  I will load my purse back up with skinny chick treats.
Step 4.  I will write down what I eat each day.

Stretch Your Comfort Zone (not your waistband)

This blog post is inspired by comments shared in response to my last post.  Some of those comments were shared publicly and others personally.  For those of you who did respond, please know I dearly appreciate and value you. 

Thank you for your honesty and thank you for recognizing and appreciating my honesty.  I have not given up but I did need to refocus a little bit.  Your words were so encouraging.  Life is so much better when we can join together like this and talk to each other about our achievements and our struggles because we ALL have them!  Everyone is blessed and EVERYONE has difficulties and obstacles.  I heard someone say the other day that if you leave your comfort zone, God will do some creative things with your life.  I believe much of this journey for me is about leaving my comfort zone.  So when I was working so hard, balls to the walls I would actually say, stretching many of my comfort zones, and not seeing the change I expected, discouragement crept in.  However, when I worked out Friday, I realized that I was doing things that I know I could not have done a few months ago and even though I was dog tired in the end, I felt strong!  I don't want to give that up!  This is going to be a continual learning curve and nothing is going to happen overnight.  I'm continually exploring new foods, new restaurants, new places to shop, new exercises, and I just need to live and breathe in this time and not get caught up by the scale. Ultimately, the end game is being healthier and feeling empowered.

For me, this is not only something I'm working out but something that has to work.  This is why I'm not "dieting" or trying some quick fix plan.  While I might miss a few of the decadent treats that I overindulged in before, I am certainly not depriving myself.  I eat plenty.  I eat real food.  I'm within my healthy calorie range and learning about foods that are not only important for weight loss but for the heart, mind and skin.  I'm embracing exercise and my body in a way I never have before.  And, in the spirit of finding freedom, I'm also not going to live in bondage to too many rules.  It's all about smart choices and being informed but not being obsessive.  I know what both sides of this line are like, being too free with food and being to obsessive, and I can honestly say balance is so important.  Being prone to OCD, it is not healthy for me to worry or hyperfocus on all the numbers.  My phone applications and favorite websites definitely help me stay focused and armed with information.  Most of all, in order to keep working this out, I need to stay real.  I must have people I can be open and honest with because life is hard. 

I don't know if any of you have seen the t-shirts or bumper stickers that say, "I may be fat but you're ugly and I can lose weight"  but I remember seeing this on a buxom Floridian beauty one time and it cracked me up!  Fierce and snarky.  I think there are those, big and small, who are also ugly on the INSIDE and because of this I am motivated to talk openly about my quest.  No one is better than anyone else and I won't let anyone have that power over me.  I want to be a strong, real, woman.  None of us are perfect; herein lies our beauty.  Thanks for letting me complain and thanks for picking me up.  I'm working it out and working hard again!

"Glory is not in never failing but in rising every time we fail." -Anonymous

p.s.- stocked up on blueberries, kiwi, pineapple, yogurt, and all my fave skinny chick treats!

My Kick-Ass is Half-Assed!

I’m stagnant.  I’m losing steam.  I need rejuvenation.  I need a kick in the ass.  I’m half-assing it. 

The past two weeks have been rough.  I’m not even going to lie.  I’m still eating much better than I did before this journey began.  I’m still working out.  However, this maintaining weight or dropping .6 pounds here and there has crept into my psyche.  On one hand, I feel empowered by working out and testing my strength; I’m doing planks, lifting weights, walking briskly, incorporating several types of crunches, and so on.  In the spirit of singing my strengths, I ate something the other day that I knew I shouldn’t have so I worked out on my own even though I did not want to.  Lunch each day is a lean meal, yogurt and blueberries or a Luna bar, fruit and yogurt.  One of my good friends encourages me by keeping me updated with healthy foods to try and we’ve even shopped together.  There have been no late night cheesecake runs, although, I saw some crazy good desserts at a nearby restaurant table the other day and I’m pretty sure I gave them the stink eye.    

Here’s the bad news my bears, the boundaries are slipping a bit and the enthusiasm is waning.  When it comes to writing down my food each day and logging my calories, I’ve been slacking.  My pretty pink water bottle has not left the shelf for five days.  Yes, the horror.  I’m telling all!  Yesterday, I indulged in some trail mix, which I did not even enjoy before, and I ate twice the amount I should have in record time.  I hate to be trite but the honeymoon is moving toward an end and I need to keep the romance alive.  I think I need to vent first and then somehow get my fire back.  Here’s my venting.  Forgive me.

1.      * My existence before this was pretty sedentary.  No pain no gain?  Where is MY gain (loss)??

2.       *I think any weight I have lost has come off in my fingers, toes, ankles, wrists, and maybe my boobs.  I don’t mind having big boobs and my fingers are already a size 6.5.  Seriously, what about the belly?  The arm flab? If I cut my hair short again will my face at least look thinner?

3.       *When some people try to be encouraging, they basically say the Christian equivalent of “Let go and let God!”  Yeah…. Right…  I’m taking up boxing people, I might just hit you!

4.        *Why do some people, I’m thinking of skinnier people and men in particular, seem to lose weight faster?  It’s like the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.  Twisted. 

5.       *Is there truly a benefit to all this working out?  I know people who do not exercise and still lose more weight. 

6.       *I said this journey was about getting healthier so how else do I measure health?  How do I keep from getting discouraged if the scale is not moving forward fast enough? 

7.       *Having PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) bites.  I know it does in fact make things more difficult for me but it will not be my excuse.  I’m back of glucophage so hopefully this will start helping.

8.       *People in workout videos smile way too freaking much.  Annoying.  And now it’s almost time for runners to start creeping out onto the streets.  Great. 

Wow, this is feeling good.  Maybe I should stop and save some for later.  Obviously, I am trying to keep it real.  I need help from anyone that can help.  I need motivation or something.  I do NOT want to quit.  I will not give up so I’m writing this to let everyone know that I need some juice!!!  Power me.  Empower me.  Give me a battery.  Something.  Check my attitude.  Give me an attitude check.

Put'em Up! Put'em Up! No Cowardly Lion Here!

I’ve discovered I love boxing.  I like slipping on the gloves, strapping down the Velcro, tapping my knuckles together, getting my stance ready, and punching.  Right now I box a little every Friday with my trainer.  He puts on punch mitts, I wear fight gloves, and he teaches me how to swing.  Each boxing session is a workout that leaves me red in the face and out of breath; each jab, each hit, each upper cut allows me to knock out my tensions and aggressions.  I will literally back my trainer up against the wall and it feels good!  I love the feeling of rhythmically hitting and hitting hard.  Oh yes, I will be adding a heavyweight punching bag to the my home gym.  I’ve done a little research and boxing for exercise can be a cardio boom and whether I’m picturing the person who cut me off at the intersection, a disruptive student, or sexy skinny person, I may like this punching thing a little too much.  Anyway, this chick will be leaner, stronger, and tougher.  Let me remind you, as I mentioned in my earlier post, one of my other forms of exercise is circuit training (using free weights) to increase lean muscle mass in order to boost my metabolism.  So, while the pounds may not be dropping as fast, I do feel myself getting stronger and I can tell my body shape is slowly changing.   I am hoping to hit the 15 pound mark very soon.  I am close! 

Part of my positive attitude right now is my support system.  I read recently that those who are most successful in losing weight and keeping it off have the following people on their team:

1. The food friend- the person who cooks with you, eats with you, grocery shops with you,  helps make the healthy lists, supports smart dining out choices, gets on board with all the good food and eats essentially what you eat do

2. The workout buddy- the person who gets down and dirty and exercises with you, is an accountability partner, sweats with you and motivates you, works hard with you and suffers through the pain with you

3. The encourager- someone who has persisted through challenges, someone who will be encouraging, someone who will understand when things get tough and not look down on you but not let you give up either, someone who recognizes the good things you’re doing

I believe I have a solid team in place and I understand that I cannot do this alone.  I do not think that any change in life is easy and I am not too strong or too weak to admit that I need people in my life to help me accomplish this. 

In many of my literature classes we encounter stories with a protagonist, often an underdog, on a quest in order to reach some sort of tangible goal. Oftentimes, the physical journey is full of obstacles and challenges that the protagonist must overcome.  In fact, some of these obstacles are either tempting or incredibly dangerous.  However, it is by facing these challenges that the hero tests himself, gains a better understanding of himself, receives some sort of enlightenment, and develops physical and mental fortitude.  Hopefully, each obstacle I face serves as a lesson.  I want this journey to lead to better physical, emotional and mental health and a new understanding of myself and my capabilities.  Let me say again that I embrace the beauty and boldness of my size, and that this journey is not about being thin.  This journey is about being healthier and strong.  I want to better the things about myself that I am able to.  I want to empower myself.  I want to be a woman of love, yes, but also of action and determination.  Lord, help me box myself out of my weaknesses!

Hara Hachi Earthlings!

Obviously, I’ve been slacking in my blogging portion against this war on fat!  OK, I just cracked myself up.  Honestly, I sometimes feel as though I’m writing to no one or myself or space.  Is anyone out there?  Hello?   Hello?  Hello? (faint echo)   After talking with a friend, I’ve decided that it’s important for me to keep expressing my thoughts, as well as my frustrations, and to impart all my new knowledge! So here it goes space friends. 

I am tracking how much I eat and how many calories I'm eating. Again, my get healthy plan is not about extreme diets but simply making smarter choices and embracing new information. Keeping a log of what I eat, and being diligent about it, is a great way for me right now to do this. Tracking my exercise is an added benefit. For me, logging my food is about understanding my food choices and how much they cost...what am I willing to spend on my food- I'm teaching myself to look at the price tag before buying.  As I stated in my earlier post, my research showed me that there seemed to be a consensus among health experts regarding the formula for determining calorie intake and it was the same as the Loseit! one so I've been consistently logging my every morsel, drink and exercise for the last two weeks. This, I am particularly proud of!  A study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that keeping a food diary can double your weight loss.  Score!  This is reason enough for me to keep track! 

Did you notice that scholarly little reference? I've also been reading quite a bit and I'd like to share some of my findings that I think are useful or profound or profoundly useful. I won't share all my wisdom at once because as Mark Twain said, “be careful reading health books, you may die of a misprint.”  Therefore, I think it’s wise to ingest a few tips at a time. 

Okinawans practice a type of calorie and weight control, naturally, called “Hara hachi bu,” which basically means eat until 80% full and then stop.  You need to pace yourself as you eat, stop at 80%, and let your stomach have time to tell your brain that you’re full.  The island of Okinawa happens to be one of the healthiest populations on earth.  This practice is different than the American version of “eat until you must unbutton your pants for the ride home” because it tastes so good I can’t control myself.  This is sometimes followed by cries of,  “who said ice cream?”  Hara hachi bu.  Eat slowly.  Pace yourself.  Enjoy.  Stop before you’re too full. 

I have also continued working out 3 to 4 times per week.  This has been going on for about 5 weeks now.   My main goal for exercise was to decrease blood pressure, increase heart health, improve mood, and boost energy.  I am a bit shocked to say that already my doctor has lowered my dose of blood pressure medicine.  This is encouraging.  I also keep reading over and over again that exercise, especially circuit training (working with weights), increases metabolism.  As a woman with PCOS, I need the help.  Basically, to banish fat and build muscle, which I want to do, I need to do strength training a couple days a week and cardio a few days a week.  I can do this!  I am meeting with a trainer once a week for 10 weeks to make sure I’m working hard but working safe.  Last week was meeting number one and a bit of boxing happened.  I gave him a beat down...  Just saying!

Well earthlings, after all of these positives, I will end with my frustration.  After 5 weeks, I have lost about 9 pounds.  I feel like it should be more.  Call me greedy but I am working my A*S off.   I truly exercise hard.  I do NOT cheat on my eating.  I eat smart and healthy and good while still enjoying what I eat.  I log my food and calories daily.  However, the last two weeks have been a mystery for me.  The scale has not been moving.  I talked to my doctor about a medication I’m on to see if that might be an issue.  I’m going to try drinking more water.  The book I’m reading now says if you feel like you’re hitting a plateau it may be one of three things:  1.  your body is changing but the scale is not,  2.  you need more calories  3.  you need less calories.  I’m trying to be patient and I’m thankful I have a good team in place! 

I have a vision and it requires sacrifice and change. 

Calorie Grazer Math Hater

Never, ever did I think MY healthy journey would include counting calories.  As I tell my students, never say never.  After doing some research, I've discovered that counting calories is not what it used to be.  With today's technology, it's so much easier!  Basically, this got started because a good friend of mine and her husband were actually concerned that when I started eating better and adding exercise that I might not be eating enough calories for what my body needed to lose weight.  Ironic, huh?  This actually ties in with some other news I've seen about women who have the "fat gene" and PCOS.  Anyway, I digress.  After checking out sites such as Livestrong.com and Loseit.com and I found that free websites make tracking calories easy and eye opening.  While I think both sites have great information, Loseit is a bit more user friendly for me.  Both figure out how many calories you should be eating a day based on your age, weight, height and gender.  Both have phone applications if you want to download or if you do not have that type of cell you can enter all your meals via computer.  Their database of foods is large so all I have to do is enter in what I eat and how much and it figures out the calories for me!  Yeah!  Trust me, I hate math.  Believe it or not, I also like the accountability of logging in what I eat all day.  I may not do this forever, but for now it's important. 

I am learning I work best as a grazer.  Seriously.  I need to eat a little bit all day long.  My body and brain function much better this way.  I stay happier and more focused and I'm less likely to binge or have rash cravings.  I'm fine without traditional "meals" per say.  So, I graze and I keep track of everything I munch on.  The other cool feature about Loseit.com, for example, is that in addition to adding food, I can log in exercise.  It has a big list of exercises to pick from and I can select how long I did it and at what intensity.  Based on my age and weight, the program calculates how many calories I burned and logs it for me!  Love it. 

Every week of this journey I am arming myself with one or two more pieces of knowledge followed by an action.   Each small step is important.  Here's another example: knowing we eat out at least once a week, I downloaded a few applications that provide nutritional information for many restaurants so I can know ahead of time what to order.  I'm not going to deprive myself.  I can still eat good food...I just need to be aware.  What I sometimes think is the healthy option is not always the best way to go! 

As I said in my previous post, I get tired and overwhelmed at times.  I feel like I'm a journey that is never ending.  In a sense it is.  But, at other times, I feel empowered.  I'm feeding myself with knowledge and strength.  Want to know new exercises, I'll share.  Interested in brain food, let me know.  Curious about high fiber snacks, I got your back.  This is how I keep my magic bag full of new skinny chick treats so I can graze... And now here I am, a math hater, a calculator carrier, counting calories.  Thank God for modern technology! 

Big Girl Camp?

I'm feeling frustrated right now. It's like I want the rest of my world to stop while I focus on this journey. I'm suddenly and instantly overwhelmed. I finished my workout today, and I should have been pumped. All I could feel was a sense of sudden dread. We're behind on laundry, work is stressful, and the real meals that need cooked require using fresh ingredients and I'm too tired to mess with it! Can't everything just STOP...at least for awhile so I can just DO this?! I want to read articles and books, stretch, exercise, plan, have time to clean vegetables, pack lunch, keep my eyes on the prize, etc. As it is now, I'm feeling a bit half-assed at many things. Seriously, how much easier and faster could this process be if I could devote more time and attention. Ugghh. I need to be sent to a ranch or a camp or given paid leave or something. I know there's a fat camp in Minnesota but it costs about $2,000.00 and, well, it's colder there. Deep breaths.